Cutting the cheese since 1996

I thought clowns were supposed to be funny

Monday, September 3, 2007

But these clowns are sad. As in, pathetic.

There's a fine line between boredom and perverse fascination. In fact, so fine, we crossed it early on. Because, despite our boredom, it must have been perverse fascination that compelled us to complete Dead Clowns.

I like cheesy movies. If you've ever watched MST3K you know what I mean. Cheesy movies are fun to watch and make fun of. And what better way to wrap up the Sunday night before Labor Day than to order a cheesy movie on pay-per-view, sit back, relax, and make fun of it.

I wouldn't degrade other cheesy movies by giving this one the honor. The fact this thing was even made is making fun of it.

This thing was so bad I nodded off more than once, and still feel I didn't miss anything. The pacing was horrible, the camera work was horrible, the music was horrible (at one point, the soundtrack featured a 70s-disco-laser-blast-infused number and I said ""What the hell is that?!""), the acting was horrible.

Okay, to save you the horror (not the fun kind), here's the synopsis: Fifty years ago a circus train wrecked and the clown car was thrown into the river or lake or whatever, and never recovered. Now, in the midst of a hurricane, they're back for revenge. Revenge for what, exactly, is never explained (or maybe that was while I was asleep). Victims seem to be simply thrown in explicitly to be victims. And I'll tell you, every single one of them deserved it. If I was being stalked by a zombie clown, I'd probably have a little more than a brow furrowed in concern. I might be, I don't, running and screaming? I swear, not a single person screamed in this thing.

On first blush, the zombie clown makeup didn't look too bad. That's probably the best thing I can say about this thing. But the clowns weren't particularly menancing. Perhaps if they did more than take baby steps everywhere (at least Jason et al. know how to lope) or something.

You could tell the producers (or rather, Steve Sessions, as this was his baby apparently) wanted this to be a gorefest. But the bloody feasting wasn't so much gory as over the top. Victims either died immediately while being eviscerated -- I mean c'mon, we've all seen Jurassic Park: ""The point is, you're alive as they start to eat you."" -- or watch on with, yes, furrowed brows of concern. And it dragged on and on and on and on and on...

I find it interesting, though (in that perverse fascination sort of way) that according to IMDB almost every single actor in this atrocity has made a career of C horror movies. I'd call them B-movies, but obviously they're just not good enough.

Sheesh, this thing was bad. Bad bad bad. Bad. If I hadn't slept through parts of it, I'd want the sixty minutes or so I sacrificed back. I was hoping for at least a little nudity, you know, or something to maintain interest. Fake blood in this case just didn't, ahem, cut it.

I may not be able to get my sixty minutes back, but I at least want my four bucks. No? Damn.